TW – brief mention of self-harm.
Hello to whoever is reading this!
I’m impressed and very grateful you are taking the time. Today I wanted to give “monthly update”. With any luck I’ll actually keep on updating each month too. So in April, what’s been going on?
Mental Health. I feel ridiculous going on and on about it to be honest. But its undeniably affecting my life in big ways. The beginning of this month was horrible. I couldn’t see any point in living. I wanted to disappear away from the stress, the self-hatred, the loneliness and the pain. I tried to come up with creative ways of hurting myself that wouldn’t be “permanent” and thought if I died in the process it would be a bonus and I didn’t care. My boss at work noticed I looked awful and my partner was having shit-fits with worry. I had to close my Fiverr commissions even though it was going really well – because my sick brain wouldn’t allow me to keep up with the work, which was coming in thick and fast. As a result, I’ve barely done any additional writing in the latter half of the month at all.
However, I’m very thankful that I’m able to write this blog post in a better state of mind. I finally have something to live for and feel excited about again: my babies. I have two beautiful fluff-balls of fun in my bedroom now. Two curious, vivacious female rats. I always wanted rats. Ever since my mum introduced me to them when I was very young. They’re cuddly, playful, intelligent and social creatures. I went to visit my mother again last weekend and, although she doesn’t have rats any more, her friend did. I instantly loved them. I held them and tried to get them used to me. Upon mum’s recommendation – and seeing I had nothing to lose by trying – I decided to ask my dad and then my landlord and then my mum’s friend for permission to take them home as my own.
My mum’s friend kindly agreed and we agreed on a price for the rats, their cage, all their toys and food and equipment. Dad said yes too. However, the landlord didn’t reply. I ended up going home without the rats, stopping half way home to cry and nap in a lay-by.
After one day being back home, I followed up by ringing the landlord who told me to ask through the letting agency. I did, via email, and a day later they said yes… to two small hamsters. I’d deliberately left out that they were rats I wanted, saying “small animal like a hamster”, because people can be prejudiced against rats. I have no idea why. But that was all I needed. A yes for hamsters was good enough for me. I knew I was going to be very diligent with keeping their cage clean and never allowing them to destroy anything.
Hence I am hear now, feeling much better about life (and with a much lighter wallet) because of my darlings. I haven’t named them yet. Don’t intend to until I know them and can tell them apart. I’ve cleaned their cage and given them tomato and rat food mixed together for their breakfast. Next I will be going to Padstow to celebrate Mayday as is tradition for me and my dad. I intend to use a Poffin on my Pokemon Go buddy as we walk along the coast and enjoy a nice meal when there.
I hope you are okay, whoever is reading. I appreciate you taking the time. Please don’t forget to chase your dreams and focus on your happiness. You deserve it. Lots of love.